Yesterday when we were in the store, she saw a display of rubber duckys, and felt the need to say hello to all 15 of them. "Hi dut-tee" over and over and over a majillion times. It was a toy store in a sense, so it was bright and colorful and stimulating, and as we walked around she would point and say "I like that", which comes out in this happy squeal and sounds more like "I-ly-da" I am determined to bottle her up and keep her from getting any bigger.
Speaking of which, a lot of people have been asking me recently when I am going to have another baby. (and MG, I am not just referring to you, dear :))Well, the answer is long and hard and complicated. I know, deep down in my heart, that I need to wait as long as 5 years, maybe as little as 3 to have another baby. I need Addison to be able to listen and understand, and I need her to be able to go potty by herself, and I need her to be able to tell me what she wants and needs. I also need for her to be in school, preferably full time, and I need for her to have friends that she can have over and play with so that she is not stuck to my leg all the time. I know so many people have kids close together, and a lot of people cant understand why I would want my kids so far apart. I can only explain to a certain extent, if you have never been in my shoes. People who have depression are more likely to have post partum. People who have had post partum are more likely to have it again. So where does that leave me? Fairly confident that after my glowing, wonderful medicine free and perfectly happy pregnancy hormones leave me, that I will once again be sitting in a deep dark pity of self loss. And anyone who knows that this horrible feeling is waiting for them right around the corner is in no hurry to round that corner. And no person who has had to claw their way out of the hole, lose nearly 70lbs, and sleep less than they have ever before would be jumping at the chance to do it again. Not that I am not grateful for motherhood, or that I dont want to do it again. Thats not what I am saying at all, because I have thought long and hard about this, talked to Josh about it til we were blue in the face, and I know that I have too much love inside me for just one child. But I cant look into Addisons eyes at this age or anytime soon and expect her to understand why mommy is so sad, or why mommy has no energy to play. I cant see her looking at me with another baby and not understanding the concept of sharing mommy. I just cant do it. I am not ready, were not ready as a family, and Addison sure isnt ready either. Heck, she cries when I hold other babies at work. Why did I go into all of this? Maybe I just needed to justify it to myself. I dont know. Maybe I have exhausted all of my explanations, and need people to REALLY understand why I say 4 more years. But unless you have been there, you cant possibly understand where I am coming from. And I dont really expect you to. :)
Anyhoo, back to our weekend.
Last night I went to Busch Gardens with the mommies, and got to ride big people roller coasters. I know that Josh is insanely jealous, so I love him so much more for letting me go. I told him that were going to get a babysitter and go soon. He is going to love it! I wasnt sure how I was going to feel getting back on a roller coaster after so long. I mean, after three years, you kinda feel like a roller coaster virgin again...they look so scary and big and youre not sure your stomach can handle it. So I went on the biggest baddest one first and ripped that bandaid right off and went for it. And I had a blast.
Today we woke up and drove out to Short Pump and took Addison to some of our old stomping grounds. Things have changed so much out there, its crazy. Where there once was a farm, there are now luxury condos and shopping centers. Its insane. We went to the mall, but of course, and we all rode the train that rides around the mall. It was a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be, but she enjoyed it :) We also went to Build a Bear with the gift card that Aunt Diana and Uncle Rich and Taylor gave Addie for xmas, and she made Bubbles the Puppy. She loves him, and she loves saying his name (which is why we picked it, duh :)) She was so sweet in the store, pushed the pedal to fluff him, and gave his little heart a sweet kiss. We also made another little pup for charity. Daddy helped fluff that one :) Addison really wanted to push the little stroller they had around the store, so I think were going to have to get her one for her babies soon!
While we were at the mall, they were doing a MADD (mothers against drunk driving) walk around the mall. When we were in line for the train, a couple of little girls doing the walk got in line, and I happened to see their shirts. They were walking in memory of their daddy. It broke my heart. The smaller one was only about three. I am sure she didnt understand the magnitude of what she was doing today, or even the magnitude of what happened the day her daddy died, but she was so proud to be wearing that shirt, you could tell. Just made me want to cling to Addison and Josh and never let go. So for all of you out there, I love you guys. Take a minute and let the people you love know how much you care, because you never know what could happen, even if youre following the rules, doesnt mean everyone else is.
Back to our day.
So we left the mall and went to the pet store and saw the puppies. I am feeling no need for a puppy in the house (see all reasons in explanation above), but it was tempting. Addie was a little shy about it, but as we left, she said "bye doggies!" (bye dod-dees). So silly.
We came home and snoozed, and then went out to the pottery and the outlets. We spent the whole day outside and it was perfect. I wish everyday were like today!
Anyway, here is a picture of Bubbles :)When we asked Addison to give Bubbles love for the picture, initially, she sat on him, so here is the picture of that, too. :) I am going to stop rambling now.
My mom and dad are at my dad's 50th high school reunion right now, and i hope that they are having a blast and dancing the night away!!
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